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Anger Management

I’ve noticed that I have been really short-tempered recently and the smallest things fill me with such anger that I could explode! Part of me thought this could just be to do with all the usual feelings and emotions we go through on this infertility journey and part of me thought it was just PMS.

 But I was a little worried because it definitely feels more extreme than normal. Things at work have been getting on my nerves and I have been quite vocal about it (luckily, my manager is very easy-going and she also knows what we are going through so perhaps a little more understanding thank god!) but I’m scared that I flip out one day and regret it!

My poor husband has been on the receiving end of it too – although I’m sure most of you will agree, that they can be irritating to us at times,  especially when AF is about to turn up!

But seriously, the other night we were stretched out on the sofa watching TV and he just kind of ‘nudged’ me with his foot… well, the horns came up, the claws flicked out, my eyes turned red and steam came out my nose! I was so irritated and because of my (over) reaction, hubby of course made some remark which provoked me even more and before we knew it, I’d stomped off to bed in a huff. To make matters worse though, he laughed at me.
Thank god most of our sharp knives seemed to be in the dishwasher at the time or I may not have been responsible for my actions!untitled 4
I feel bad because he is so supportive and I know he’s going through this too, it’s not just me.
And it frightened me because I thought, if this is what I’m like now, how will I be when we start IVF and I’m taking loads of drugs that affects my hormones?

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Anyway, I had my acupuncture on Thursday night and I was telling Caroline how I’ve been feeling. She said that she has another client like me who is also taking the DHEA and apparently she too is a bit of a pressure-cooker at the moment and feeling very angry! DHEA can make you feel like this, I guess it’s the male hormone in it. Great. So I’ve sprouted a few extra chin hairs and I’m feeling pumped up like a heavyweight boxer ready to knock out the world.

 

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I’m not sure what to do, if I should stop taking the DHEA or persevere because it could be helping my eggs?

I think for starters though, I might find my nail clippers and file down my talons, just in case someone gets hurt.

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Positives & Negatives

I’m feeling much better now since my last post which was a bit of a depressing rant. Sorry about that.
But I’m back on track now!

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This is mostly down to some unexpected support I have received.
One of my friends put me in touch with her friend E who has been trying for 4 years. I sort of know E from going to said friends hen party, wedding, baby shower and christening.
Anyway, my friend suggested that I drop her an email as she would be more than willing to chat and offer advice.
I was a bit hesitant as I don’t know her very well and was worried that I might open up old wounds for her. Anyway, I emailed her and probably ended up offloading a bit more than I should have!
But she replied and sent me the most wonderful email, it really perked me up last week especially as I was feeling very sorry for myself.
Her and her husband have been trying for 4 years, they’ve had 4 failed NHS cycles and two private cycles at the Lister clinic!
And she is now 12 weeks pregnant with twins!
It was good to ‘talk’ to someone who has been through the same thing and has had success. I am so happy for them and they deserve this so much.
She was so encouraging and supportive, everything she said really lifted my spirits and I’m so thankful to her for that, as I really was on the verge of ‘giving up’.
It was good to hear that they were very happy with the Lister Clinic and that their success was down to them too. She also gave me some tips on where to by the IVF drugs from (if we need to in the future) and various other bits of information.
We’ve exchanged a couple of emails back and forth and I wish we could meet for a coffee to chat in person but she’s now living overseas.

But I think the main thing which helped me was her positive attitude. She agreed that she also went through the stage of hating Facebook with everyone’s pregnancy announcements and that she found it hard when friends around her were falling pregnant. And every time she went in to the clinic for treatment, she was thinking, ‘Poor me, look what I have to go through’. She was carrying a lot of negative energy around which wasn’t helping her situation.
So she decided to have a healing session called the Yuen Method and also read the book The Power by Rhonda Byrne (the same author from The Secret). Both of these helped her to change the way she thought and felt about having to go through IVF and helped her to get through it.
And I think I need to do the same.

 

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Being bitter and angry is just going to make me feel negative and it’s not going to help things.

I have to change the way I think and move forward. I have to accept that this is the situation I am in and try to take control of it. Yes it’s hard and unfair and upsetting but I can’t just sit and wallow in it.

I’m doing everything I can to make this work: I’m going for weekly acupuncture, I’m taking loads of supplements, I’m eating healthier-ish and so I need to start thinking positively too.

So I have already downloaded a copy of The Power on to my Kindle and I’m researching healing sessions to see if anyone does them in our area.

It’s funny how sometimes the best support can come from an unexpected person but I am so pleased that I contacted E and really grateful for her kind and caring words. She has no idea how much this has helped me already.

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This will work. I will fall pregnant and we will have a beautiful, healthy baby.

Oh and I will win the lottery this week!

 

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An Unwelcome Visitor

So Aunt Flo arrived on Sunday. Bitch.
I knew it was coming, I had all the symptoms leading up to it a few days before but then they seemed to disappear and I was a day late. Stupidly I allowed myself to get my hopes up, ‘Maybe this is it, this is the month it’s worked?’

But no, Mother Nature had other ideas.
As if its not bad enough that she turns up to say, ‘Hey, you’re not pregnant again this month!’ But it’s like she has to add insult to injury with ‘Here, have some bad cramps and back ache, oh and a bit of bloating on the side! And how about some tender boobs to go with that? And let’s throw in a headache for good measure!’
Like I said, bitch.

It’s really hit me hard this month. It hurts every month but for some reason this month is harder? Maybe it’s my hormones but I just feel so angry and so sad.

I’m tired too. Tired of trying every month. Tired of losing. Tired of waiting.

I had a bit of a meltdown last night, I was trying to hold it in but hubby knows me too well. I was getting into my pj’s when he came into the bedroom and I could feel the tears welling up so I turned my back to him so he couldn’t see me. But he just turned me around and held me, telling me it was ok and to let it all out. He said that its ok to cry, I’ve been quite strong lately and I can’t keep it all in all of the time.
And then the floodgates opened.

I just feel so defeated and seem to have lost all hope. I was so positive and doing ok but now I just seem to be… Stuck?

I don’t want to this anymore. I do want to do this, of course I will do what it takes to have a baby but I just don’t want to do it in this way. Having to think about it all the time, planning the baby dance around ovulation days, swallowing vitamins every 5 minutes, counting down the months until we decide to start IVF.

Sometimes I wish I could have a day off from it all, just switch off and not think about pregnancy, bumps or babies.

Vitamin D – proof we should have a holiday somewhere hot & sunny!

I read somewhere a while ago, that if your Vitamin D levels are low, they can affect your AMH & FSH levels (and give an inaccurate result). Still hoping that the doctors had my results wrong (and I guess in denial about having a poor ovarian reserve), I took myself off again for yet another blood test, to check my Vitamin D and calcium levels.

I received my results the other day to say that my Vitamin D levels are ‘slightly below normal’ and that over the counter supplements will be sufficient and to have a repeat test again in 3 months.

So off to Holland & Barrett again to buy yet more supplements to add to my collection! I must be rattling around inside with all the tablets I’m taking! I just hope that I’m taking them correctly as I know that some vitamins can counteract with each other.

This is my daily intake:
Folic Acid
Omega 3 Fish Oil by Zita West
Co Enzyme Q10
Vitamin D
(I was also taking vitamin E but have stopped now due to me already taking so many others!)
DHEA – I haven’t actually started this yet but will in a few days.

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As well as taking all of these every day, I have also started drinking more herbal teas in the evenings. I alternate between Red Raspberry Leaf, Nettle and Chamomile & Honey. I’m more of a (decaf) coffee drinker anyway and must admit that I don’t entirely enjoy drinking these herbal teas but I am getting more use to them.
I’ve also been trying to eat healthier in the past year. I have more eggs, soya, fruit, salmon, avocados and veggies and I try to have smoothies with wheatgrass and maca. I’ve read up on loads of things that are supposed to help increase the quality and quantity of my eggs.

But back to my Vitamin D. It’s not surprising that my levels are slightly low. It’s been winter here in the UK for like, ever and ever, so we hardly ever see the sun!
So hubby and I were chatting and what better reason for us to have a little holiday somewhere hot and sunny! We didn’t think we’d get to go away this year because financially we are saving as much as we can in case we have to have IVF. Plus I want to save my holiday days with work in case I have to take a lot of time off during treatment.
We both love travelling too. I use to be a travel agent and have been lucky to have seen a lot of the world and my hubby has travelled the world too due to his job. So together, we just love exploring new places (even if we don’t have the money!). We were engaged in Paris and we got married in Spain (he’s from Belgium and I’m from South Africa but we live in the UK) – can you see the theme here? 🙂

Perhaps a little break away together might be just what we need. A bit of relaxation and sun. If we do fall pregnant naturally, then it could be our last chance to get away for a while and if we do start IVF, it would be a nice little treat before we embark on that hard journey. It makes sense.
Obviously we can’t afford to go on a two week luxury trip but if we can find cheap enough flights, we could go to Spain for a week and stay in hubby’s family apartment which wouldn’t cost us anything.
Fingers crossed we can find decent flights and that it fits in around my hubby and his work. He is self-employed so doesn’t always know what work could be coming up and of course, can’t turn things down. So it’s always difficult to plan and commit too far ahead.
It would be nice to have something to look forward to and a date in the diary other than my ovulation dates and period dates! It’s been a horrible start to the year so it would be good to have a little fun, not to mention get away from this miserable weather. It’s suppose to be Spring but we are currently having snow!

My luck we’ll have a heat wave next week and our plan to go away won’t be justified anymore!

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Photo Credit: Pinterest – Gulf Shores

Happier Hormones

You may remember a few weeks ago in February, we went back to the NHS consultant just to follow-up on our initial meeting with him. He agreed for me to have my hormone levels re-tested on Days 1-3 of my next cycle.
So I had the test done at the end of February and the other day I received a letter in the post…
I was a bit nervous, in case it showed a deterioration and in case my FSH was even higher and my AMH even lower BUT they appear to have improved ever so slightly! 🙂

My FSH is now 13.4IU/L (was 17) and my AMH is now 2.4pmol/L (was 1.1). I know this still isn’t great but I’m so chuffed that they have improved!
I’m convinced it’s from my weekly acupuncture. Plus healthier eating and all the supplements, teas, lotions and potions that I’m trying! They have to have helped!

Of course we are under no illusion that my problem is still there (and probably always will be, as I know I can’t produce any more eggs than I already have left) but this little bit of positive news just gave hubby and I a bit of a boost! I mean, surely this is heading in the right direction at least?

Sometimes the smallest things can make the biggest impact. I mean, if the results had been worse, perhaps we’d be panicking right now and thinking maybe we should start IVF as soon as possible.
But this small, positive change is just the little glimmer of hope we probably needed right now, after the last few months of so much shock and upset.

I can’t wait to tell Caroline, my acupuncturist – although something tells me that she won’t be surprised! 🙂

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Photo Credit: Pinterest – ‘and it’s love’ tumblr